A Canada Day Quiz (funny)


Two blog posts in one day?! Well, it’s a special day.

Just in case you thought I had forgotten about (aboot?) Canada Day… here’s a little something for my fellow Canucks.

Canada Day

The following quiz was written by Jack Knox (who is known for his terrific sense of humour) of the Victoria Times Colonist. It’s possibly the easiest and funniest quiz I have ever taken. Images added by yours truly.

• The name Canada Day was adopted in 1982. Prior to that the July 1 holiday was celebrated as:

A) Dominion Day

B) St. Jean Baptiste Day

C) McHappy Day

D) Christmas in July for the Bellingham outlet stores

• B.C. joined Confederation in:

A) 1867

B) 1871

C) 1492 (1671 after HST)

D) a fit of madness

• Which is highest?

A) Mount Robson

B) Mount Logan

C) The CN Tower

D) Rob Ford

Rob-Ford-Smikes-Crack

• A Montreal-area mayor pictured with his hand on a Bible is:

A) taking the oath of office

B) taking the Bible

C) risking eternal damnation

D) pleading not guilty

• Canada’s best-known scientist was:

A) Alexander Graham Bell, inventor of the telephone

B) Frederick Banting, co-discoverer of insulin

C) William Osler, the father of modern medicine

D) burned at the stake as a witch by Stephen Harper

• Match the quote with the prime minister: Jean Chrétien, Pierre Trudeau, Lester Pearson, William Lyon Mackenzie King

A) “We hate the GST and we will kill it.”

B) “There’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation.”

C) “The grim fact is that we prepare for war like precocious giants, and for peace like retarded pygmies.”

D) “Hakuna matata.” Oops, my mistake. That’s William Mackenzie Lion King.

• B.C. was discovered by:

A) Capt. James Cook aboard the Endeavour

B) Capt. James Kirk aboard the Enterprise

C) Wanda Fuca, the first woman to command a Spanish galleon

D) The people who met the Europeans when they got here

kirk-pub

• Winnipeg, Vancouver, Calgary and Edmonton are:

A) CFL teams

B) warships based at CFB Esquimalt

C) cities in Eastern Canada (everything beyond Saltspring is Eastern Canada)

D) jealous of Victoria

• Canada’s motto “A Mari usque ad Mare” means:

A) From sea to sea

B) A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse

C) Roll up the rim to win

D) GST not included

rolluptherim

• Canada’s most valuable export is:

A) Alberta bitumen

B) B.C. Bud

C) Céline Dion

D) Justin Bieber

• We wish to apologize for:

A) Alberta bitumen

B) B.C. Bud

C) Céline Dion

D) Justin Bieber

justin-bieber-2013-pants-down

• Explorer Alexander Mackenzie famously completed his transcontinental journey to the West Coast by what message on a rock at Bella Coola:

A) “Alexander Mackenzie/ from Canada/ by land/ 22d July 1793”

B) “Must have taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque.”

C) “What do you mean there’s a two-sailing wait?”

D) “We’ll put the pipeline right here.”

left-turn-at-Albuquerque

• Here’s what others say about us. Discuss.

A) Jane Fonda: “When I’m in Canada, I feel this is what the world should be like.”

B) Explorer Jacques Cartier: “I am rather inclined to believe this is the land God gave to Cain.”

C) Russian gangster recorded while phoning home from prison: “You must come to Canada. This is a wonderful place. I’m in jail and eat meat three times a day.”

D) TV’s Jon Stewart: “I’ve been to Canada, and I’ve always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.”

• Here’s what we say about ourselves:

A) Comedian John Wing: “A Canadian is merely an unarmed American with health care.”

B) Author Douglas Coupland: “There are few, if any, Canadian men who have never spelled their name in a snow bank.”

C) Former Victoria Times publisher Stuart Keate: “In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations; it’s cold, half-French and difficult to stir.”

D) Retiring astronaut Chris Hadfield, on Twitter last week: “After 26 years serving in other places around the world, tonight I am back on Canadian soil, to stay. It feels so very good to be home.”

nameinsnow

What do you want on your tombstone?


Just when I was beginning to think my sense of humour was getting to be a wee bit too morbid, I came across other, like minded, individuals who see death as a way to get the last laugh.

I’m going to start with my three favourite celebrity epitaphs.

Billy Wilder, who directed Some Like it Hot, a movie with, arguably the best last line ever.

TV Icon Merv Griffin

The voice of Warner Brothers animation, Mel Blanc

Then there are some regular folks with a not so regular sense of funny.

For those that love to say I told you so.

 

For the realist.

For the Scrabble lover.

For the philandering husband.

I just love the fact that his wife outlived him… ah poetic justice.

For the man who loves women.

For the man who loved too many women

For the glass half full type

For the beloved family pet.

Even one for the atheist.

Pretty sure this one isn’t real… but it’s real funny.

That last grave marker is one I would seriously consider getting if I was going to be buried. But, as I am an atheist, I’m donating as much of my body as science will take, then the rest of me (if there is anything left over) is going into the ocean to become part of the food chain.

I will leave you with one of my favourite moments from the TV show Absolutely Fabulous with Patsy and Edina talking about their grave markers.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xlsowz_eddy-and-patsy-getting-stoned-absolutely-fabulous_shortfilms&start=364

The anti Bucket List


Like a lot of people I have a Bucket List of things I’d like to do before I kick the bucket. Most of the items on this list are travel oriented, like going to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, attending the Cannabis Cup, visiting New Zealand or buying an apartment in the south of France to spend winters in.

I also have another list. A list of things I have tried, but will (likely) never try again. I call this my Suck It list, because these things can suck it.

MY SUCK IT LIST

Religion

Skiing (both snow and water)

Skating (both Ice and Roller)

Camping

Living in the United States

Marriage

Being a mistress

Anal sex (unless I’m on the giving end)

Lesbianism (not that there’s anything wrong with it, just not for me)

Submission

Watching Piers Morgan

Dropping acid

Doing extacy

Snorting cocaine

Horse back riding

Listening to Katy Perry ‘sing’ (same goes for Britney Spears, Justin Beiber and Beyonce)

Watching a Kardashian do anything (or not do anything)

Visit the Dominican Republic

Go on a cruise

Visit Venice (I can still smell it)

Visit Manhattan (also still smelling it)

Getting drunk on tequila

Date a much younger guy

Eat venison

Babysitting

And the list goes on from here. I’m betting that most people have their own Suck It list. What’s on yours?

** Note to self. Add Guys who respond to list with “Why isn’t my dick on it?” to list.

Experiment in funny


Lately I’ve been thinking about comedy. Specifically, comedians who come from different belief systems. I have listed three comics from three different religions and one non- religion in a side by side, by side, by side comparison (that’s four sides), and will be asking for your opinion at the bottom of the post. Enjoy.

CHRISTIAN COMEDIANS

Victoria Jackson

Tim Hawkins

Chonda Pierce

JEWISH COMEDIANS

Sarah Silverman

Judy Gold

Jerry Seinfeld

MUSLIM COMEDIANS

Maz Jobrani

Ahmed Ahmed

Azhar Usman

ATHEIST COMEDIANS

David Cross

Jimmy Carr

Jim Jeffries

I purposefully kept each clip under the 3 and a half minute mark. I didn’t include the most famous comics in each category. I didn’t include clips where the comedians talked specifically about their faith (or lack thereof). Now here is where I ask your opinion.