So far I’m not happy with my 50s 

Heart surgery , a massive stroke I have yet to completely overcome and now another major surgery  in a year and 3 months. I mentioned in August that I had a pelvic ultrasound and I was worried about getting more bad news , well after an MRI to confirm what the ultrasound caught and to catch another thing, I learned that I have cysts on my ovaries , my fallopian tubes are engorged and my uterine lining is doing something akin to endometriosis but isn’t that and apparently I need a full hysterectomy . I’m not sure I can summon the strength to go through another surgery . Yes I know the saying that which doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. But seriously how much fucking stronger do I have to be ?  Really , I want to know . Medically , this has been the worst year of my life . but I’ve been dealt a shitty hand most of my life .  From  physical abuse to emotional abuse to multiple rapes , I have endured as only a woman can  I’ve seen the ugly side of life .The side no one should ever see .And have not complained or whined . I’ve stayed strong . In fact , I am the strongest person I know . So seriously , HOW MUCH FUCKING STRONGER DO I NEED TO BE?  After MANY  bad relationships I have finally found happiness with a remarkable man and it’s killing me that I have to rely on him so much so soon, we haven’t even been married a year yet  I feel like he’s not getting my best and he deserves that and so much more . 

So here I sit , in my medical lift chair at 4 in the morning, listening to the rain fall against the window, crying my eyes out , doing something I don’t do , whining about how unfair my life is and hating myself for it  .Well I guess I should take comfort in the fact that in a few months I’ll be able to wear white pants again . I usually post a picture or two and this one encapsulates perfectly how I feel about my life right now .

6 responses to “So far I’m not happy with my 50s 

  1. We’ve never met. But here is my two cents in the plus category:

    – You are amazingly smart and funny. Can’t fix stupid, can’t give someone a good sense of humor- even with surgery.
    – You do NOT whine.
    – You have figured out what is important. Some people never do.
    – You are articulate with a sharp, even biting wit.
    – You have class.
    – You live in Canada- no Trump. That cannot be underrated.
    – You are a good writer and a great blogger.
    – You have the ability to make friends, even across the Internet. I’m one.
    – AND… YOU met David Bowie… I’m in awe and so jealous I could spit!

    Keep writing- and know that I dig you- ll the way from California.

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