So far I’m not happy with my 50s 

Heart surgery , a massive stroke I have yet to completely overcome and now another major surgery  in a year and 3 months. I mentioned in August that I had a pelvic ultrasound and I was worried about getting more bad news , well after an MRI to confirm what the ultrasound caught and to catch another thing, I learned that I have cysts on my ovaries , my fallopian tubes are engorged and my uterine lining is doing something akin to endometriosis but isn’t that and apparently I need a full hysterectomy . I’m not sure I can summon the strength to go through another surgery . Yes I know the saying that which doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. But seriously how much fucking stronger do I have to be ?  Really , I want to know . Medically , this has been the worst year of my life . but I’ve been dealt a shitty hand most of my life .  From  physical abuse to emotional abuse to multiple rapes , I have endured as only a woman can  I’ve seen the ugly side of life .The side no one should ever see .And have not complained or whined . I’ve stayed strong . In fact , I am the strongest person I know . So seriously , HOW MUCH FUCKING STRONGER DO I NEED TO BE?  After MANY  bad relationships I have finally found happiness with a remarkable man and it’s killing me that I have to rely on him so much so soon, we haven’t even been married a year yet  I feel like he’s not getting my best and he deserves that and so much more . 

So here I sit , in my medical lift chair at 4 in the morning, listening to the rain fall against the window, crying my eyes out , doing something I don’t do , whining about how unfair my life is and hating myself for it  .Well I guess I should take comfort in the fact that in a few months I’ll be able to wear white pants again . I usually post a picture or two and this one encapsulates perfectly how I feel about my life right now .

6 thoughts on “So far I’m not happy with my 50s 

  1. I think that you are quite an amazing person and under the circumstances you can take time off from being strong and whine as much as you like. And whine loudly!

  2. We’ve never met. But here is my two cents in the plus category:

    – You are amazingly smart and funny. Can’t fix stupid, can’t give someone a good sense of humor- even with surgery.
    – You do NOT whine.
    – You have figured out what is important. Some people never do.
    – You are articulate with a sharp, even biting wit.
    – You have class.
    – You live in Canada- no Trump. That cannot be underrated.
    – You are a good writer and a great blogger.
    – You have the ability to make friends, even across the Internet. I’m one.
    – AND… YOU met David Bowie… I’m in awe and so jealous I could spit!

    Keep writing- and know that I dig you- ll the way from California.

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