They warned me it would happen 

But I didn’t buy it. When I was going through physio therapy in hospital, the therapists, nurses, doctors and the psychiatrists all warned me to expect a bout of depression. They said eventually my progress would slow down and plateau. If the plateau comes before I’m emotionally  ready to accept where I’m at physically, I should be prepared to deal with depression. I was so focused on my recovery that I paid very little attention to them, thinking I’m strong and positive, they’re used to patients with pity party issues. On that note, welcome to my pity party.

 I had been working so hard on my recovery, happily celebrating every improvement, big or small, ,that I almost didn’t notice that the progress was slowing. The plateau is close. I can feel it. I am nowhere near ready to spend a long period of time with little to no improvement. I really expected to be walking much better, longer distance, better balance, better stamina before improvements stop for a while. I’m still far too attached to my wheelchair. I’m not able to walk outside yet. Crying uncontrollaby a lot more often, blaming hormones will only last so long. . Every tiny thing I do is way more difficult and more painful than it should be . I’m feeling like a prisoner in my body. Everyone around me needs me to be strong and happy, so I put on the facade because it would hurt too much to see disappointment on their faces.

I get so angry when someone close to me bitches about some petty non-problem and expects my sympathy . But before I say anything I’ll regret, the guilt takes over. They should be allowed to express their issues, their pain, even if it is miniscule in comparison to what I may have to spend the rest of my life dealing with. Every time I see someone I haven’t seen for a while, and  I’m asked, do you feel better,with such hope on their faces.  I want to scream from my wheelchair, do I look like I feel anything but shitty? ! But, being the polite Canuck that I am, I always smile and say, a little bit better every day. All of this inner turmoil that never gets vented is about to explode in a humiliating way. I can feel it brewing. I would lean more on my husband, but I get the feeling he’s barely hanging on, himself. He’s been through too much this past year to have to deal with my self pity.

Don’t feel like I can lean on my folks for emotional support because they really need me to be the strong one. My dad would likely shut down or tell me about all the hope I should have. My mom would tell me that I should suck it up and move on. And, sadly she’s right. But that’s not possible until I feel the pain first and there’s a lot of it. 

If you stayed with me this far, I want to thank you for coming to the party. And so I don’t leave you with a bad taste in your mouth, I’ll leave with a smile. 

8 responses to “They warned me it would happen 

  1. I know how it is to have the impulse to make others feel comfortable. You don’t have to do this! I think honestly expressing myself when I got cancer really helped me. You seem to be carrying a really big burden for everyone else and that’s not fair to you.

    • That’s me to a tee. Better to carry the burden than be a burden. Its not easy to change your deep seeded habits . Looking for a therapist as I type this. Thanks so much for your spot on comment.

  2. Oh, no. I want you to know that you’ve been a big inspiration to me, though what ails the two of us is very different. But I’ve learned since my accident in 2007 that it’s not always possible to carry one’s own weight, and hope you find a way to pull through this even with the help of a therapist. You have my admiration and my respect.

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