Do you believe in fate/destiny?

I don’t buy into magical thinking. You never hear someone say that their heart attack is fate or destiny. Those words are only used to describe when good things happen to you. What about when bad things happen ? Was my heart tumor destined?  Was the stroke I barely survived fated? The fact that I survived had everything to do with the doctors and nurses who were knowledgeable enough to help me fight for my life. The stroke itself was likely my fault because I wasn’t paying attention to the symptoms of the heart tumor. I didn’t even know that you could get a tumor inside your heart.  Or that a massive stroke could be a symptom. I’m not stupid enough to think that I lived through it because of anything other than my own strength and the fact that I was in public and only 5 minutes away from an ambulance. A stroke of luck. My life is the result of my choices. Not nearly all of them good, not all bad either. But they all culminated in the fact that I’m here today, a tad brain damaged, and permanently paralyzed, but here nonetheless.

Describe the last difficult “goodbye” you said.

The independence of my pre-stroke life was the most difficult thing to say goodbye to. My mother says that she wanted to raise independent  children, and with me, she definitely succeeded. It’s still hard for me to ask for help from my husband after almost ten years of actually physically needing his help. It’s so frustrating for me to see myself that way. I’d rather hire the help I need than have to feel like I’m  burdening him with the responsibility. Unfortunately, I can’t quite afford to hire someone right now, and that has to be okay. But it still weighs on me. The last thing I want is for my husband to feel like I’m his obligation or that I’m taking advantage of him or taking him for granted. That’s probably why I’ve been in denial about just how disabled I actually am. I don’t want my husband to see me as an invalid.

If you could be someone else for a day, who would you be, and why?

Just one day?  I would be me, disability and all because even spending one minute without my paralysis would be so depressing. When that minute ended, it would put me over the edge.

As good as I am with accepting my situation, I still crave the freedom and independence of mobility so very much. I can’t even allow myself to fantasize about having it ,or I’d be a raw nerve.

Describe the most ambitious DIY project you’ve ever taken on.

In Canada, after a stroke you get 6 months of ‘recovery with a physiotherapist team that, for me started in earnest ten days after  four and a half hour heart surgery to remove a large tumor from the right atria of my heart, which occurred 3 plus weeks after the stroke itself. I had 4 months of physiotherapist in hospital followed by another months of physio at a different location. It wasn’t enough, but it got me on the path to the hardest DIY project of my life. Trying to overcome permanent paralysis. Why am I still trying months shy of the ten year anniversary of my stroke? Because, as frustrating as it is to admit, I simply can’t give in to the ridiculously slim possibility that I might just be able to walk around the block.  Am I delirious, or is it tenacity?  Either way, I just can’t accept that it likely won’t happen.

So I feed the delusion by planning trips I know I’ll never take. Setting challenges for myself, I know I won’t succeed at and dreaming my life away.

Turns out DIY stroke recovery might just be the impossible dream.

If you could permanently ban a word from general usage, which one would it be? Why?

There is only one word I would ban,and only if the act would be banned as well. That word is war. Why? Because I’m a passivist and atheist. I mentioned atheist because religion has caused more wars than anything else has.

Share one of the best gifts you’ve ever received.

It was the fact that, when I had my stroke and it became apparent that I would need help long-term,the man who was my fiance at the time didn’t run away. Not only did he marry me in my hospital room, but he spent the next decade taking care of me most every day, and he’s still doing it. Now THAT is love ❤️ 😍 💖. I know just how lucky I am.

What advice would you give to your teenage self?

Approval from men.You are beautiful, believe that. and you shouldn’t be selling yourself so short.  The male gaze wears off fast. Men will come and go. You need to be happy with who you are because we all die alone.

START LOOKING FOR

Something that you can be passionate about and proud to do for a living. Focus on yourself and what makes you happy. You have your whole life ahead of you. Enjoy your time and live without fear.

IMPORTANT NOTE

Get a full physical exam every year with extra attention to your heart and always live in a country that has socialized medicine.

What bores you?

Cold weather. I’m so ready for spring so I can go for a roll to the dog park and the beach. Can’t wait until the temperature hits double digits.

Most cable TV. With the exception of the following shows, Jeopardy,Survivor, The Traitors, especially the UK version ,Elsbeth, Law and Order SVU, and High Potential . I far prefer to binge shows and movies on Netflix or Prime, or Disney ±.

Politics. In particular, Donald Trump and his huge ego.

Billionaires.  Especially the ones who think that being wealthy makes them smart. Looking at you, Elon Musk. Yes, you are a smart investor,but that’s about it. I’m all for billionaires who want to help people like Bill Gates and Mark Cuban with his prescription drug company.

What is your favorite drink?

I don’t drink alcohol. I don’t drink coffee. I enjoy the occasional hot chocolate or fruit tea. The main thing I drink is half water and half black and blueberry juice, so I guess I’d have to say that. However…

In my pre-stroke years, I took a bartending course, and we had to inventory a cocktail. My cocktail was…

One oz. vodka

Cranberry juice

Half oz. of Malibu rum floated on top

The coconut flavor of the rum cuts the tartness of the cranberry juice and it goes down very easily but hits pretty quickly. Great summer patio drink.

I call it the Metropolitan.

Who are your favorite people to be around?

Obviously, I like being around my husband. We’ve been living together for 9 years and have been in relationship for more than 11 years.

Obviously I enjoy my mother’s company or I wouldn’t spend more than an hour a day on the phone with her and wouldn’t have a day every week with her at our place from noon to 7pm watching movies or shows like Love is Blind and it wouldn’t be the day that I look forward to the most.

I have a few friends that I see pretty rarely, but it’s always a good time when I do.

I’m at a stage in life where I don’t have to be awkward when I socialize and it’s by design. I don’t need a lot of people in my life. The small handful I have is plenty and authentic. I don’t need to be anyone else but myself and it’s just the way I like it.