Where did your name come from?

My middle name came from my father’s imagination and the shining sun.

My first name came from my mother and her romantic heart ❤️ and love for beauty.

What motivates you?

But I am still here. 9 years post massive stroke, and I’m not where I want to be in terms of physical recovery. I still can’t walk around the block or even across the street. But I can walk with the aid of my leg brace, AFO, and the railing in the hallway, depressing as it may be. It’s depressing to me because I don’t want to be seen in real time, doing it. I hate it when people “cheer me on ” it feels patronizing, and I don’t like being talked about or to like I’m a child. After all, I’m going to be 60 in less than a year. And even though I’ve had brain damage, I’m still a highly intelligent woman who knows what I’m capable of and what I’m not. I don’t believe in miracles, and I don’t require ‘comfort ‘ in that way.  I’ve been pretty clear that I’m an atheist, why people still insist on coming at me with hope that something will magically heal me, I don’t understand. It’s just insulting to my intelligence.

Even though my paralysis is permanent, it doesn’t mean that I have no room to improve. After all, I recently achieved the capability to balance while standing without a brace or cane or anything else, and I’m working to improve how long I can do that.

So I guess what motivates me is that I don’t think I’m done yet and I’m persistent. I just want to achieve whatever physical recovery I can regardless of what the inoperable piece of tumor in my brain has to say about it, without bursting any more of the aneurysms that are still in my brain. It’s a very fine line I’m on, but if I’m careful, and patient might just be able to succeed.

What are your top ten favorite movies?

10. What about Bob?

9. Gentlemen prefer blondes

8. The seven year itch

7. Laura (my favorite film noir)

6. Jezebel (in my opinion, far better than Gone with the Wind)

5. Chicago

4. All that jazz

3. Tea with Musolini

2. Of Human Bondage

And my favorite movie of all time is …

All About Eve

I realize that there are no movies made after the year 2002 on my list. What can I say, I’m old. I’m willing to bet,that if anyone who was born post 2000,watches any of the movies on this list, they will learn something about what it takes to make a great movie,and not just a good one.

What do you enjoy most about writing?

Since my stroke, I can’t go for a walk anywhere that’s not wheelchair accessible or farther than my wheelchair battery allows. I can’t drive, or cook,or clean up. The only thing I can still do, besides watching TV or surfing the web, is communicate my thoughts and feelings through the written word. It’s always been my preferred way to get out my feelings.

When I was a teenager, I wrote quite a bit of poetry and short stories as a way to deal with my emotions. Immediately following my stroke, my life went through a 180-degree change, and writing about it really helped me come to terms with the loss of independence and identity. Becoming paralyzed is a HUGE change for anyone to deal with. It certainly was for me.  If you read this blog going back to 2012,when I started writing it, and then read the posts after September 2015,you will notice the change. When this blog began, I was living in Montreal and was looking for work. Back then, I was writing to fill the time between going to school to become a massage therapist and figuring out what I wanted for my life to look like. I also went to school to become a nursing assistant. It seems like a lifetime ago now.

In 2013,I moved to Vancouver Island and got work in retail and met my husband. We spent 2 blissful years together before I collapsed in a parking lot with a massive stroke that was a symptom of something far more life-threatening. The stroke was caused by a benign but large tumor that had grown in my right atria. I was taken to the hospital, and over the next 10 days, I wasn’t expected to live.  I barely remember ICU. It’s just glimpses of blurred thoughts and fears of death.

I’ve come a very long way since then, both medically and emotionally. I’ve come a fair way physically, too. A near death experience really does change a person.

I guess the reason why I write isn’t so much because I enjoy it, as it’s my therapy. I’ve lived a lot of life quickly, and it’s been important for me to write it down . I’m not sure to what end yet, but I’m still writing ,so I guess I’m not nearing the end.

What do you love about where you live?

I live in a small city on Vancouver Island. I love that it’s a city with all of the amenities that you’d expect from a city. I love that it’s small enough to be considered “walkable “*and that it still has the feeling of community. I love that it’s big enough that everyone doesn’t know your business and privacy is possible. I love that it’s got an amazing coastline because it’s an island. I love all of the natural resources of the city, especially the beautiful parks. I love that there is a thriving art scene. And that we have some very good venues for entertainment with great wheelchair accessibility. I love that we have a temperate climate by Canadian standards.

I hate that it’s on an island, which makes it more difficult to travel from. In order to get to mainland Canada or even the USA, you have to travel by ferry, helicopter, float plane, or small plane,so not much is within driving distance. As a wheelchair user ,the fact that not every way off the island is comfortably wheelchair accessible is my biggest issue. I hate that it’s one of only two cities on Vancouver Island, and every other community is considered a town or a village, although some of them are very bohemian in flavor, which is a plus.

All in all, it’s the best place to live west of the Cote d’azur, which is the only other place I’d consider living.

* Easy enough get around in your wheelchair ♿️

What positive emotion do you feel most often?

Lately, I’m feeling so proud of my husband .Immediately following the completion of our new floors, we started thinking about repainting the living room and dining room. We started by choosing the colors we wanted and where we wanted them. And then the hubby went to work, buying everything we need to make it happen. He turned his “man cave ” into a workshop, and he started the painting process today.

I can’t wait to see the finished product. And, before you think to ask, yes,there will be pictures of the new look here. We’ve been wanting to do a renovation for 8 years, and we’re thrilled to finally start the process. This year, it’s the floors and the paint and some new light fixtures. Next year, we’re going to get new counter tops for the kitchen and bathrooms and a new tub. The thing I’m most excited to see is the fireplace painted white. I have hated the way fireplace looks since we moved in 8 and a half years ago.

I’m so happy that our place is going to look fresh and modern!

How do you plan your goals?

First, it’s researching how far away you actually are from your goal and accepting it. Next research what is the first step you have to take to get yourself on the path toward your goal and figure out how far away that first step is . Then, one tiny step at a time start toward the first step. Of course, it takes a great deal of patience and willpower once you realistically see just how far away you are from your goal and realize if it’s even attainable. Then you need to have an honest look inside yourself and figure out just how much you really want or need the particular goal . Are you even capable of doing the work required? Most people wouldn’t pass this step. This is the reason why there are so many unsuccessful people in the world. This is also the reason why there are so many unhealthy people in the world. Can you be practical enough, persistent enough?  Do you have the willpower required? Are you capable of not believing your critics, including yourself? Do you have the physical, emotional, and intellectual energy required? Are you strong enough? If you answered yes to the above, congratulations, you might just achieve your goal with a little luck . Because you will need luck too. Luck with meeting the right people along the way to your goal. Luck with your health holding up during the journey. And most importantly, of all patience to deal with just how difficult the goal you’ve chosen for yourself really is. Will it require education and the money needed to get the knowledge required? With each question comes more research, and with each step forward comes 5 steps back.

Can you handle the frustration of knowing that everything that looks easy for others will be extremely difficult, bordering on impossible for you at first?

I know where of I speak. I’ve had to learn to walk and toilet again as a 50 year old stroke patient. If you think you’re strong enough to handle something like that, ask yourself, are you strong enough to handle it when your doctor tells you that your partial paralysis is permanent? Will you just accept it, or will you continue to move forward because it’s the only thing you can do?

I’ve been incrementally moving forward for 9 years, and I don’t care if it takes me however long I have left, there’s no point in stopping. But I admit to resting for as much as I need to. You have to build your energy, not deplete it.

If your goal is anything lesser than the goal that I’m trying to achieve, then bookmark this blog post and come back to it from time to time for an ass kicking!  Because a permanently paralyzed 59 year old woman is very slowly achieving her goal of walking again. What’s your problem?

Create an emergency preparedness plan.

As I’ve been a wheelchair user for nearly 9 years to the day, I already have an emergency preparedness plan in place that is something that is   necessary when need a caregiver.  It’s also something that I wish I would have thought about before nearly dying 9 years ago, but as there was no way of knowing that my heart was literally a ticking time bomb it just wasn’t possible for me to think about. I do wish that I could have gotten an echocardiogram before a massive stroke told me that I needed one, because I wouldn’t be paralyzed today and for the rest of my life,  but what’s passed is passed and moving forward is the only way to move. All I can say now is, please learn from my mistake,and get your heart checked thoroughly!

What is a word you feel that too many people use?

The word that has brought the most negativity to the world is the word you. Pointing the finger of blame is a way to start a fight, or worse, a war. Especially when the finger should always be pointing in two directions simultaneously. Yes,it should be pointing at me, too. Whoever is doing the blaming, in the first place, always shoulders some responsibility for the others’ actions . Unfortunately, our egos won’t allow us to see ourselves as deserving of blame.

It’s the old us vs. them situation. Us is always the good guy, and them is always the villain. When the reality is much more nuanced.  They always have their reasons for their behavior, as do we. Who’s to say who has the better reason for their actions?

What brings you peace?

Yes, the knowledge that I will die gives me peace. What do we say when someone dies? Rest in peace. It’s this world with all of its tumult, pain,and suffering that has no peace, no fairness. Death is the great leveler. It’s the only fairness in this world because everyone dies. I have no idea about what happens to us when we die. Nobody does, no matter what they may tell you. It’s the only real mystery of life. I’m not desperate to find out either because there is beauty in this world and music to existence. I’m just saying that it gives me peace to know that I will experience death as every living thing on the planet has since the beginning of time. I don’t need to be remembered. I just think its going to be lovely to rid myself of ego,and id,and curiosity and just become a part of space again.